hospital for lost souls: barney has a happy place in his pants for you

TED (V.O., this time as Ted Danson): Although she had been reincarnated as Durga, the goddess of death, that still didn't help to bring her back.  Once she crossed over, she became a lot of things, but she wasn't the same mortal woman that I fell in love with all those years ago.  And that woman was the one I missed.  The first days of her death were very very hard for me.

(TED is in the hospital, sleeping in a bed next to ROBIN, who is dead.  All the others, LILY, MARSHALL, BARNEY, are sleeping in the bed, too.  MARSHALL's leg is twitching.)

BARNEY: Stop twitching.

MARSHALL: I can't help it.

LILY: Oh, my god, this is impossible.

TED: I can't stand this any more, I think I will go mad.  

(MARSHALL snores and twitches.)

BARNEY: We need a nurse to distract us.

TED: Nothing can distract me because I am grieving from the marrow of my bones.

LILY: Aw, that's sweet.  You really miss her, even though she's right here.  She never really went away, because she lives in our hearts.

BARNEY: She lives in our hearts, but she smells up our bed.  High five, can I get a high five?  Anyone?

(No one high fives him, except for the doctor, that is.  Enter DOCTOR VODKA, with great fanfare, trailed by an assistant, who might be a mannequin.  There's music that follows him, maybe the Internationale -

DOCTOR VODKA: Good morning, my friends, good morning, it's such a wonderful clear day, and the sky is as bright as the eyes of a baby seal, pure, and courageous, and good.  This was a good war.  Your friend, Rhonda--

TED: -- Robin.

DOCTOR VODKA: Sure.  She fought the fight.  The good fight.  The brave fight.  She fought.  And it was glorious.

LILY: But she died.

DOCTOR VODKA: I'm telling you right now, sweetie, that kind of talk isn't going to help her.  She needs your positive thinking, right now that's the secret to all of this, you all have to stay positive.  

MARSHALL: But she is dead.

DOCTOR VODKA: Why, that's not a word that's in my vocabulary, little man.  I don't know the words Death, or Subversion, or Communism, or Literature.  

BARNEY: What about Nose?

DV: Nose I know.  I can talk about the nose for hours and hours, and I often do.  Now.  What questions do you have for me?

TED: There are no more questions, there is only death.

DV: I don't even know the word, sir.  It's not in my vocabulary.

LILY: I have a question.

DV: Talk to me, honey, spell it out.

LILY: Can you make his leg stop twitching?

BARNEY: Can you cut it off, maybe?

MARSHALL (sleeping): Hee hee, don't cut off my leg, hee hee.   

DV: Why that would cost extra.  You don't have that kind of money.

BARNEY: We do, though, we have a lot of unexplained disposable income, and I could use my hooker money to help pay for the operation.

DV (High fives BARNEY): We'll talk, sir.  But first.  Let's deal with the patient at hand.  Your friend, Rachel--

TED: -- Robin.

DV: Yes, she is, I'm afraid, without the use of her hands.  However.  Everything else looks very good, and it's all going according to my plans, my greatest hopes, it's all like that, and well.  I say Fuck Yes.  Two words in my vocabulary.  Fuck and Yes.  Together they make Fuck Yes.

MARSHALL (Waking up): Oh, listen to him, he's really good.

LILY: I think he's a she.

DV: I think gender is a performance, little lady, and it's contingent on social relations, and unfortunately, that does not enter here, because you cannot know me, no one can know me, because I am elusive, like the jelly worm.

TED: How can you say she looks good?  She's dead.

DV: Sir, don't make me tickle you utterly with my bladey instruments.  

LILY: Oh, like a speculum.

DV: I don't speculate, I am a man, or woman, of hard throbbing rock solid veiny science.

MARSHALL: Goddam I love this wicked son of a bitch.  Smart like a whip.

DV: You make me glow, sir, you understand me.  

TED: So what's the prognosis, doctor?

DV: Why there's nothing to tell, sir.  We'll get through this, and then we'll have plenty of other options after this, and all of the options are positive, because we have options.  

TED: What are the options?

DV: We'll get to those after we get through this.

TED: But she's really dead.

DV: Not on my watch.

TED: There's no pulse and no breath.

DV: You have to think positive.

TED: How?

DV: That's not up to me, that's between you and the philosophy you live by.  I hope it's a strong one, sir, one that's not befuddled up with ambiguities and facts and your little scholar tricks of logic.  You need a big god to get through this, and when you do, you'll remember the name Doctor Vodka.

MARSHALL: You're amazing, you make me want to sell real estate to all my rich friends!

DV: That's the spirit, lad, that's the spirit that makes us great.  Now, I've examined her, and I can tell you this: everything is as it should be, and that.  Is all.  You need to know.

LILY: And don't forget, Doctor!

DV: Yes, pumpkin?

LILY: We have love, and that's all we really need.

BARNEY: I like my love with a pair of rubber high heel shoes, easy to clean.

(Long pause, and the DOCTOR laughs loud and long and spooky and grabs BARNEY by the face.)

DV: Let's sing.

DV & BARNEY:  We need a little more than love,
Because love is really stupid,
And it leads us all into doing things
We wouldn't normally do or say,
And that's just so very awkward.
(Finale): Awwwwwkward!

MARSHALL: Can I have her toast?

(And end scene.)


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