bar of death bar of big terrible death

TED (v.o., v.o. being played by the Gorton's fisherman): Well, it wasn't until the following spring that they found our bodies.  Everyone and everything was destroyed utterly when Robin turned into Kali when she came back from the dead.  But as fate would have it, this was not the end, kiddies.  No, no, not at all.  Because although our lives are short and meaningless, there is always something after.  Now, what happens to us after death is very mysterious, sure, but it's not very well known that after death is also very short and meaningless, and at the end of the day, any day, there really is no hope.  And that's the best news I have today.  That girl, the one I chased after, the one who became your mother, well, let's just say that some of us eventually marry ourselves, and some of us marry our opposites, who are also ourselves, and a lot of us settle for something very much in between.
(Now the scene.)
It all started off calmly enough, on one wintry afternoon.

BARNEY: I can't, I just can't, I simply cannot! I don't like them, I really just don't like them at all!

LILY: Uh-oh, now what rough beast slouches toward Bethlehem waiting to be born?

BARNEY: This all, none of it, it's just not working for me.  No matter how much porn, no matter how much excess, no matter how much I give in to the dominant culture, I am still so very, very unfulfilled, and I wish just once I could have the perfect threesome with a loving man, I mean secret object of my desire, and by that, I mean something excessively heteronormative, I mean ski slope, I mean rottweiller, I mean cowboy.

(This signifies a sudden and stunning set change where he is suddenly in the therapist's office, and it happens so fast that we don't even notice, and we are stunned.  How did we get here?  We don't know.)

PSYCH: Why does it have to be a mother?

BARNEY: This isn't about me, it's not about me at all.

PSYCH: That's more true than you know, sir, uh, what's your name?

BARNEY: You can call me Barney.

PSYCH: I'd rather not.  What is your name, really?

(Oh, she's digging deep, this shrink, she's good, she's really really good.)

BARNEY: I have no name.

PSYCH: Oh, good, that's good, that's really good.  Now tell me, nameless one, what is your heart's desire?

BARNEY: I don't know, that's why I'm here.

PSYCH: We are not here to find our heart's desire, we are here to plummet headlong into a terrible mess and to try to talk about it, and fail, and fail, and miss the mark entirely.

BARNEY: Oh.

PSYCH: You want what you think you want, but you never really want what you think you want, you want what you want, and you'll never really know what you want.

BARNEY: Because love is impossible.

PSYCH: No, because you're stupid, but you were close.

BARNEY: How will I ever learn what I want?

PSYCH: Lots and lots of practice.  But you also need a mirror.  And peacock feathers.

BARNEY: It's always so expensive.

PSYCH: Of course it's expensive.  If it's not expensive, then it won't mean anything to you.  I mean, look at yourself.  Money is your god.

BARNEY: My god, I mean, my money, I wish you could hang out with me and the guys.

(And there's another sudden and stunning set change and they are all at the bar.)

LILY: So Marsh, the big Marsh and I have decided that we're going to have five children in the next five years.  It's our secret project to make ourselves into more of ourselves so that we can see ourselves reflected in geometrical progression so that we lose our fear of death.

MARSHALL: OHMYGOD IT WILL BE SO MUCH FUN TRYING!! SLOOP A DOOP A LISHIOUS!

ROBIN: And I've decided that without being able to have kids of my own, I will pursue my career recklessly above all other costs and make so much money that I might one day forget about all the things I really couldn't have.  Because no matter what I do, it will never be enough.

MARSHALL: AND IT'S GOING TO BE SO MUCH FUN TRYING!  MONEY IS SO AWESOME!  AND BIGFOOT!

TED: Guys, I have something to say: I met the one who fits all the points of the Ted Map of Desire.

PSYCH: Show me this map of desire, Mr. Ted.

TED: Who is she?

BARNEY: Don't worry about her, just pretend she's not here.

TED: But she's talking.

BARNEY: Just pretend she's not talking.

PSYCH: Show me this map.

TED (produces a very complicated map): These lines right here represent the lines of flight, places where my own fantasy images come to life because of what she says or does.

PSYCH: Does it have to be a she?

TED: Hahaha, what kind of a question is that, I mean, do we look like a band of others?

(They all laugh, hahaha, but not everyone understands why, and that's ok.)

TED: And these points here represent the order of events, the ones that have to unfold in this exact order or else there is no reason to even give her a fighting chance.  Like here, on the second date, it has to be somewhere that we can photograph ourselves and put the pictures up so everyone can comment.  And this point here is the second time we have sex, and it has to be a little awkward, because it's not as good as the first time, at which point all of the phantoms of our past relationships gather on the veranda to discuss, and oh, boy, is it serious! Hahaha.  And this picture here shows how she gets a little bit of cum on her ear, but that's really optional.

MARSHALL: Optional but required!

LILY: Oh my, the things my ears has seen over the years.

ROBIN: Please don't give us any more visuals than we already have.

MARSHALL: That's not how they do it in Canada, that's for sure.

ROBIN: I don't get your jokes any more.

PSYCH: I love this map, Ted, this map of yours intrigues me.  Tell me about this, it looks like a little boy wetting his bed.

TED: Good eye, doctor.  This right here is the moment I had my very first dream about Jesus giving Mary Magdelene a broach.  The one she admired in the window for months and thought that no one noticed.  But he noticed.  Oh, he noticed.

PSYCH: I think we need to discuss this all a little further somewhere more....comfortable?

TED: Let's discuss right here, I'll put the map on the table and we'll discuss this right on top.  Of the map.

(Oh, they can't stand it any more and they all make out on the map on the table, and although it could be very hot in other circumstances, here it's just terribly awkward and no one will speak to each other for the next three days.  No one.)

(End Scene)


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