bar of death and unholy reckoning

(Three days later.)

PSYCH: I'm glad we're meeting here from now on, Mr. No Name.

BARNEY: My life is complex, and you have to see it unfold to really understand it.  You have to witness it as an outsider.

PSYCH: But there's no way I can observe it as a real outsider, Mr. Barney with No Name, there is no such thing.

BARNEY: No, there is.  You just have to be real quiet.

TED (enters, with a t-square): Hi, Barney!

PSYCH: It doesn't matter.  I am already a guilty witness, one with desires, plans, and symptoms.

BARNEY: You are the most endlessly fascinating therapist I have ever known.

PSYCH: You flatter me, and I like that.

BARNEY: We all have our charms.

MARSHALL (enters, with a big plastic monster toy): Hi Barney!

PSYCH:  I've been thinking over your case, and it's compelling, and it's perplexing, but it's also very simple.  Normally, I would never try to put these things into words, because words are errors, but here I'll just say:  I don't think you're supposed to be with women.

(TED AND MARSHALL, they laugh and they laugh.)

BARNEY: But if I'm not looking to spread my seed and replicate myself in every corner, I will disappear.

PSYCH: I think that would be a good idea.

MARSHALL: Clearly she's not getting the big picture.

TED: Without that, he's nothing, he has no meaning in his life, it's over.

PSYCH: I think that there are many people in this world who have lost their compass, their sense of stability, at one time or another, and those are the most interesting people in the world.  And when you become your opposite, you'll see yourself very clearly for the first, and quite possibly, the last time.

BARNEY: And you know, she was right.

MARSHALL: Who are you talking to?

BARNEY: It was an idea so simple, so painfully simple, and so mad, that it dug at me for seven long days and 400 nights, and in the end, I woke up and decided to give it a go.

TED: That's not Lacanian therapy!  This is fixed!

MARSHALL: Who is he talking to?

BARNEY: But first, I would have to make some big changes.

(And now, a dance number.)


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