the bar of death and loss

(That scene was such a goddam laugh riot that it takes a very long time for everyone to calm down.  This is the next scene.  It's the bar, but calm and no one is dancing.)

(And no one should dance, because this is going to be so sad.)

ROBIN: I have big news! I'm moving to Chicago!

MARSHALL: We always knew you had it in you!

BARNEY: I wish it was me.

LILY: Who'm I gonna have erotic and confusing dreams about now, hon?  Aw, I'm gonna miss you so much.

(LILY gets weepy but she always does, and while she is weepy BARNEY tries to take a picture of her breasts.)

(But TED is so quiet.)

MARSHALL: Are you all right, Ted?

TED: That's wonderful news, Robin, I always thought you had--
(But he sobs and weeps and can't go on, and while he weeps, BARNEY tries to take a picture of his breasts.)
You won't find what you're looking for under my shirt, sir.

BARNEY: Need some bro hooters for my private collection.

ROBIN: I'm gonna miss you guys, too, but wow, this is my chance, my one shot to really make it big in a city that's not as big as this one.

MARSHALL: Everybody gather round, we're going to do a shot of their oldest whiskey.

ROBIN: I hate whiskey.

MARSHALL: You don't know this whiskey!  It's really old!  It's older than, than, than Canada!

ROBIN (bursts out laughing): I don't know what that even means!

MARSHALL: I forgot my goddam line!  Can we take that again?

(They break.  TED pulls ROBIN aside.)

TED: Can I talk to you?

ROBIN: Yes.

TED: Do you know what you're doing?

ROBIN: I do, I'm moving to Chicago.

TED:  No.  You'r losing me.

ROBIN: I don't lose you.  You don't lose me.  You'll see me again.

TED: I don't.  I lose you forever.

ROBIN: You don't know that, you don't know how it ends.

TED: Actually, I do, I know exactly how it ends, we never see each other again.

ROBIN: I don't think I know what you really want here.

TED: Of course you don't.  Listen.  What if we're really really old.

ROBIN: You are really really old.

TED: Hahaha.  No, I mean, what if we're around a lot longer than we think, than we thought, what if we've done this before.

ROBIN: This moment?

TED: This moment, yes, and the one before, all of them, what if we've done this before, and what if we've been doing this before for more than 500 years.

BARNEY: (Off camera):  500 years?! With the same woman?  Good god, give me a joint.

(They bust up.)

ROBIN: Can we take this again?

(Pause.)

ROBIN: He always makes me laugh.

TED: I really don't think I can do this scene.

ROBIN: You need to focus.

TED: No, it just, it really reminds me of something.

ROBIN: It's really personal for you, huh?

TED: It is.  I mean, I try not to think about it too much, but there are some people, a few, more than you'd think, but really, not that many, not really that many, who remind you of something, something you used to know, and all you know is that when it was happening, it lasted for a very long time, but then it went away, something happened, and it went away, they went away, at some point, you lost this person, maybe it's a lot of people, or maybe it's the same one, maybe you lose the same one, over, and over, and over again, and maybe you get to recognize the pattern, because you're supposed to do something, something to make it not happen that way again.

ROBIN: Like what?

TED: Like this.

(He kisses her.  She breaks it.)

ROBIN: You're not supposed to kiss me when we're not acting.

TED: I got caught up.

ROBIN: Go back to the beginning, please?

(Break.)


ROBIN: I have big news! I'm moving to Chicago!

MARSHALL: We always knew you had it in you!

BARNEY: I wish it was me.

LILY: Who'm I gonna have erotic and confusing dreams about now, hon?  Aw, I'm gonna miss you so much.

(LILY gets weepy but she always does, and while she is weepy BARNEY tries to take a picture of her breasts.)

(But TED is so quiet.)

MARSHALL: Are you all right, Ted?  (Pause.)  Are you all right, Ted?  (Pause.)  Are you all right, Ted?

(And no, TED is not all right.)




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