(But this is a living room.)
(TED, oh my gosh, TED. TED is a mess. He's decided to shave his head and he's painting his body white, and he's doing yoga in his living room and spitting out blood. He has pictures of Kali all over, incense is burning, and he is trying not to think about money. For the first time in 9 years, they are all worried about money, suddenly, like they might not make rent. We don't really know they're all worried about money, though, because this is just TED, and we can't even tell if he's worried about money because he is spitting blood. BARNEY comes in.)
BARNEY: Did I hear someone mention the goddess of sex?
(TED is still in a trance, and BARNEY sees the pictures.)
Ah! Kali! You fooled me again! Kali, you destroy me! Did you see what I just did there?
TED: (Coming out of a trance.) Hello, Barney.
BARNEY: Ted.
TED: Why are you here, Barney?
BARNEY: I've got twins in handcuffs, and one of them has your name all over her. Of course, I can't tell which one, they're identical!
(Canned laughter, but it's Kali's laughter, which is spooky, and it makes BARNEY very nervous and quiet.)
(TED starts to cry and it turns into a wail of grief, and the house starts to shake. BARNEY is touched.)
BARNEY: You cannot chain what you love, what you chain will eat your bones. Even love will eat your bones. There is no escape. We cannot escape our death.
(Meanwhile, LILY runs in, with camping gear.)
LILY: Guys, I need your help. Marshall has been carried off by bigfoot, and I don't think he's coming back.
BARNEY: He is either torn to pieces by savage death, or he is in love with bigfoot, and either way, he is torn to pieces, he is cut open with the savage love at the heart of the world.
LILY: Please help me, guys, this is important.
TV: This just in, local news reporter Robin Sparkles has fallen off of the Statue of Liberty, and if you hurry, you might be able to catch her and save her life.
TED: It's all no use. This world loves too much, and we are all dying.
LILY: Oh, my gosh you guys are under Kali's magic spell! We've got to do something.
BARNEY: Destruction is everywhere.
MARSHALL (off): Oh my god, bigfoot, I love you, you're so awesome!
LILY: Oh, that's hard to hear.
TV: It's too late to save her, she's already dead. But this just in, she's been reincarnated as the Goddess of Death, we'll be back in five.
LILY: God, I love tv.
(TED shakes it off, he shakes off all of the hoodoo going on here, he just shakes it off. He gets them all bottles of beer and they sit at the coffee table.)
TED: I had the best day. I think I met the one.
LILY: Where'd you meet the lucky girl?
TED: What place on earth is somewhere between heaven and hell?
BARNEY: My underwear.
(Kali laughs and BARNEY is so scared that he starts to cry.)
LILY: I don't get it.
TED: A parking lot.
BARNEY: A parking lot? Wait, hold on. (Takes a sip, does a spit take.) A parking lot?
TED: Yes.
LILY: That's wonderful news, although it's hard not to be thinking about Marshall.
MARSHALL (off): I'm fine, honey! Bigfoot is awesome!
LILY: And the newly reincarnated Robin.
(A Kali picture starts to shake.)
BARNEY: Did you get her number?
TED: No, but I don't have to.
BARNEY: (slaps him upside the head.) I was going to say something, but that's better. (slaps him again.)
TED: No, we'll meet again. It's destiny. And I have a plan on how to stalk her.
LILY: Oh, Ted, stalking is never a sure way to meet someone. People move, you know. They move, or get carried off by bigfoot, or they fall through the grates on the sidewalk, and then you're you-know-where.
BARNEY: No, where?
(KALI laughs, BARNEY cries.)
LILY: Stuck trying to find her in the underworld.
BARNEY: Uh-oh, here we go.
(And just like on tv, TED is vanished, and BARNEY and LILY are left alone.)
(And KALI comes off the wall, and sits with them.)
(Long pause.)
KALI: What?
(TED, oh my gosh, TED. TED is a mess. He's decided to shave his head and he's painting his body white, and he's doing yoga in his living room and spitting out blood. He has pictures of Kali all over, incense is burning, and he is trying not to think about money. For the first time in 9 years, they are all worried about money, suddenly, like they might not make rent. We don't really know they're all worried about money, though, because this is just TED, and we can't even tell if he's worried about money because he is spitting blood. BARNEY comes in.)
BARNEY: Did I hear someone mention the goddess of sex?
(TED is still in a trance, and BARNEY sees the pictures.)
Ah! Kali! You fooled me again! Kali, you destroy me! Did you see what I just did there?
TED: (Coming out of a trance.) Hello, Barney.
BARNEY: Ted.
TED: Why are you here, Barney?
BARNEY: I've got twins in handcuffs, and one of them has your name all over her. Of course, I can't tell which one, they're identical!
(Canned laughter, but it's Kali's laughter, which is spooky, and it makes BARNEY very nervous and quiet.)
(TED starts to cry and it turns into a wail of grief, and the house starts to shake. BARNEY is touched.)
BARNEY: You cannot chain what you love, what you chain will eat your bones. Even love will eat your bones. There is no escape. We cannot escape our death.
(Meanwhile, LILY runs in, with camping gear.)
LILY: Guys, I need your help. Marshall has been carried off by bigfoot, and I don't think he's coming back.
BARNEY: He is either torn to pieces by savage death, or he is in love with bigfoot, and either way, he is torn to pieces, he is cut open with the savage love at the heart of the world.
LILY: Please help me, guys, this is important.
TV: This just in, local news reporter Robin Sparkles has fallen off of the Statue of Liberty, and if you hurry, you might be able to catch her and save her life.
TED: It's all no use. This world loves too much, and we are all dying.
LILY: Oh, my gosh you guys are under Kali's magic spell! We've got to do something.
BARNEY: Destruction is everywhere.
MARSHALL (off): Oh my god, bigfoot, I love you, you're so awesome!
LILY: Oh, that's hard to hear.
TV: It's too late to save her, she's already dead. But this just in, she's been reincarnated as the Goddess of Death, we'll be back in five.
LILY: God, I love tv.
(TED shakes it off, he shakes off all of the hoodoo going on here, he just shakes it off. He gets them all bottles of beer and they sit at the coffee table.)
TED: I had the best day. I think I met the one.
LILY: Where'd you meet the lucky girl?
TED: What place on earth is somewhere between heaven and hell?
BARNEY: My underwear.
(Kali laughs and BARNEY is so scared that he starts to cry.)
LILY: I don't get it.
TED: A parking lot.
BARNEY: A parking lot? Wait, hold on. (Takes a sip, does a spit take.) A parking lot?
TED: Yes.
LILY: That's wonderful news, although it's hard not to be thinking about Marshall.
MARSHALL (off): I'm fine, honey! Bigfoot is awesome!
LILY: And the newly reincarnated Robin.
(A Kali picture starts to shake.)
BARNEY: Did you get her number?
TED: No, but I don't have to.
BARNEY: (slaps him upside the head.) I was going to say something, but that's better. (slaps him again.)
TED: No, we'll meet again. It's destiny. And I have a plan on how to stalk her.
LILY: Oh, Ted, stalking is never a sure way to meet someone. People move, you know. They move, or get carried off by bigfoot, or they fall through the grates on the sidewalk, and then you're you-know-where.
BARNEY: No, where?
(KALI laughs, BARNEY cries.)
LILY: Stuck trying to find her in the underworld.
BARNEY: Uh-oh, here we go.
(And just like on tv, TED is vanished, and BARNEY and LILY are left alone.)
(And KALI comes off the wall, and sits with them.)
(Long pause.)
KALI: What?
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