it's a love bar oh yes a love bar

(Now.  TED is ready to take off his monk robes and enter into the stream of desire again. But before he can, there's something he has to do, and he thinks it has to do with words, so that's how he starts.  He puts ROBIN on the table and speaks to her, hoping she will not speak back to him, because that will ruin his spell.)

TED: I want every woman I ever had a crush on to come and stand with you, but most of them couldn't make it, so you'll have to stand in for them.  Which is fine.  You're a lot of people.  This could work.  And if you were the girl from high school, the one I was with when we got caught by the police for fogging up the window's of my mom's car, I would tell you: I miss that night, and I remember wanting it to last forever, and maybe it did.  And if you were the woman I was married to once, I would tell you that I miss the apartment, not the first one, but the second one, where all the world was green, and by then I was already older, so I had things that I wanted to do, habits and needs of the body that had nothing to do with where we were at that moment, that kept me out of there, and I miss being there, and I wish I could go there again, but I can't find the road, I forgot the turn, the four-way stop before our place, I remember the stop, but I don't remember how to get there, and I have a feeling that I wouldn't recognize the right turn.

ROBIN: It was a left turn.

MARSHALL: Oh my god, Robin, this is just a metaphor!  It's just a metaphor! (He screams like a boy on a playground, he's so like that.)

TED: Please.  Let me continue.  I can't go on, I can't continue, there's too many things I want to talk about, and too many people I want to remember.  But that's ok.  Because I think I understand something now.  I have a soul mate.  In this world, I have a soul mate, but she's not from here.  And she doesn't work like you do, she isn't stuck in a body, isn't stuck in time.  And when she's happy with someone I want, she inhabits her body so that I can know her, but it's always very short.  I don't know why it's very short.  Maybe it's so she can disappear, and so I will wonder where she went, and when I go off looking again, she'll know I'm following her, and my love for her is real.  But she's not here, she doesn't live here, she can't live here.  So this, this is all impossible, it's an impossible want, and it's probably not very important that it's impossible, she likes it when I'm looking, and the world is sweet and green and everything else is possible because this singular thing is impossible, and can never be real.  But you, you're close, you were very close, you were the only one who could hold it for longer than a short while, because, not because you are a mermaid, you are not a mermaid, because you love them as much as I do, because you're looking for the same thing, and that's why my love for you will never die.  Even though you are probably a lot of different people.  But you are definitely my favorite, my very favorite one.

ROBIN: I wonder if polyamory might be a way out of all of your problems, Ted.

TED: It's not that easy, it's really not that easy.

BARNEY: I have been working out really hard and I pulled a muscle in my chest and it's on the left side near my heart and it's really freaking me out.

LILY: Nambala sonofabitch! (She breaks, this is a blooper and they all love it.  Laughs and funny comments.)  Can I take that again?

MARSHALL: I have to take a phone call.

(Cut to new scene with MARSHALL outside by a phone booth.  He uses his cell phone inside the phone booth because these kids have such an eye for retro cool.)

MARSHALL: If you came back, I would hold you tighter no matter what.  It wouldn't matter to me that you'd try to keep your distance, to protect yourself with fake coolness so I wouldn't start thinking this was permanent.  It doesn't matter.  You come back for a short time, and then you go, that's how this works, I know that.  But if you came back, I wouldn't change my plans to see you, to make you anxious that it might not go so well, and I would be disappointed.  I would keep doing what I do, but when I saw you, I would drop everything and run at you with the strength of an elephant, and no power on earth could stop me from making me wake you up, so I could see that look in your eye, the one you get when you're finally here, the one you have right as you recognize me.  This has been going on for a very long time.

(When MARSHALL comes back in, they are all dressed up as dolphins.)

(Except for ROBIN.)

MARSHALL: Sea party!  (He dances with them in a dolphin dance that is not just a little sexual.  ROBIN doesn't even watch.)

ROBIN: Dolphins freak me out more than you can imagine.

BARNEY: Oh, my heart, oh, my heart, oh, this is very weird.

LILY: (Talking like an old wizened black man)  Looks like our Barney is finally learning a life lesson, one we could all benefit from.

TED: Ow, someone is on my flipper.


Popular Posts