not a glum bookmovie

So it was with furtive glances, then, something like devious stares, or maybe they're the same thing, except not really so furtive, not so furtive, not this morning, it was furtive, sure, before this morning, perhaps, it was furtive before this morning, but this morning was not furtive, but sort of bold even, on the verge of bold even, and it felt like it was happening on either side of the dividing line, but he couldn't be sure, how can anyone be sure.

So he is texting his friends and his friends are texting him.  And it's not like anyone is in school here any more, not at all like that, except he is in school, but that's something else, he's much older than that, but that shouldn't matter, it never really matters all that much, except when it's obvious, except when it's something new, and it doesn't even cross his mind that this would be something new, that age makes this something new, because it's not, and seems really typical, in every way typical as typical is typical for him, how many years difference between him and her is hard to know for sure, without knowing her age, but he imagines he would find out soon enough or later enough he is trying not to be in a hurry, this is nothing new and nothing even exceptional, except that he thinks this is something extraordinary, only in terms of other things.  only in terms of these other things, everything is contingent, everything worth thinking about is contingent anyway.

And the things that make this contingent are really just one thing, one large thing, something recent that makes all the difference in the world.  The moon went all full just yesterday, and the days before there were lots of deaths, and the night before he had a dream that everything changed and when he woke up there was a peacock at the foot of his bed who told him that he would remember that moon, that last moon, the one full right now moon, he would remember as the one where everything changed.  And he would meet someone.  There were someones already, sure, hovering, somewhere near, blackbirds hovering around nearby, and it was like birds hovering and not sure if they want to eat, and he was even aware that he had already been thinking about it for too long and now it was no longer thinking about that at all but something else, but he did not know what yet, but that did not matter so much because he would meet someone new, and that was a part of all of this, whatever was coming with the full moon, and he was supposed to just go with it, because it would be very important, and very heavy, and when he asked the dead to give him more information, they gave him the card of the hanged man, and said that she was the prince of swords, and he would be hung upside down for awhile, and the prince of swords would be the reason he was hung upside down, but the prince of swords also seemed very rare and well equipped to help cut him down.  The hanged man is never a bad card, he thinks, and it's true when the lovers are there, and the lovers are always there, with the moon, with the devil, this was very interesting but he is not thinking about it too much, but it's a stream that is open and he's in it and that's all.

And there's nothing to talk about, really, and it doesn't even need to be in his head as language, really, except there's that idea of jouissance, and the pleasure is almost more, it's almost more pleasure, it's almost more pleasurable, to talk about it than to do it.  but there are things he would like to do.  there are certainly things he would like to do.  and he thinks about them all the time, literally thinking about them all the time, and he wonders if it's normal, someone his age, is this normal, it's hard to know because every man will say yes but most of them are liars.

And his friend sends him a text even though they are not in school (except he is), and says something about her looking something like Chrissie Hyndes and he is thinking yes that, but sort of like a combination of Kali the Destroyer and Chrissie Hyndes, and that's sort of the most exceptional thing he's been inside for awhile, this idea of a combination like that, living inside that idea of a combination, and then the thing itself, the person itself, herself, conjuring the combination and she might not even know she is conjuring.  And he is under a spell, of a kind, but understands that this full moon charmed him, and he is starting to figure something very important out for the first time: that to be charmed makes you charming, because you know what it is to give in, everyone has to become the passive one, the one who receives, the one who is ravaged by the Goddess of Love, if they are to go on to the next place, the place that opens up in the middle of a full moon.

He is really thinking about jouissance when he is leaving, and he is surrounded by his friends, and she is leaving, and he sees her leave and she looks like she is turning to look at him when she is leaving, and she also looks like she has run into the door when she is leaving, and he thinks this is not the time to even have a first conversation because it's already too fraught.  and he is talking to his friends and some of it is about her and some of it is not about her and when they are in the parking lot she is talking to someone and that someone is a man and that man is very handsome and she is looking very bored, and she is smoking and that is sort of a very good thing to see this early in the morning.  but her black hair is a good thing to see, and the dark in her eyes is so good to see, and it looks as though everything about her is good to see.

And it's also a little confusing to see, because it looks as though she is walking toward him, and that's exactly what seems to be happening, and he is surrounded by friends and it might be getting complicated because how will they talk when there are friends everywhere, friends hovering like vultures and getting into everything, but when she says, "Did anyone ever tell you you look like Hunter S. Thompson?  I just started reading Fear & Loathing on the Campaign Trail," and as she is talking he is suddenly aware that his friends are not.  There.  At all.  Any more.

Who has friends like that?

He loves his friends.

And while they talk he is wishing he could talk about what is happening, because it would be jouissance but maybe this is something else, maybe there is something else besides those codes and projections and diagrams of desire, but maybe there is a diagram for it, and he wants to talk about it later, but he is talking to his friend, the one he was texting, and his friend says, "Her in the parking lot?  That was just like a movie."

Yes, he is thinking, this is just like a movie.

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