about fives

there's a ghost who's got its teeth in my lower back, it's almost constant, but i can move, and i can do more than i could do last year...running miles, lifting ridiculous things over my head, throwing things on the floor, and all those things those weights can do...i like where this is taking me, and like the new lines in my skin, everything is tight and i feel like i have something i can move in...i like the movement...i like the change...it was my fifth birthday on the fifth, and there is so much news, so much to tell, but i can't tell...i can't tell yet for myself, and there are more things that i can't tell then i've ever had to not tell, i like how this is unfolding, but oh, there are so many doors to close, and so many hopeless things that i had to send out to sea at the beginning of the year...i'm not happy or sad about any of them, but they go and i feel something pulling in my chest, i'll miss those precious things that held a hundred promises that couldn't make it to the surface of the sea...i'm half under the water, and half in the sky, and very far from earth, there is too much to do between the thens and nows, and i can't stop and can't sleep for long enough, but there is coconut and there is honey and there is cinnamon and it's all exactly where it needs to be.  i'm calm, i'm a restless mess, i'm sure of everything, everything is unknowable, i am a hermit, i am in love, i am of two minds, and i know exactly what i'm doing.  it's not good, it's not bad, it's not happy, it's not sad, but i sure do miss you.  

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