Cgs/the politics of despair
Every situation in the v.a. is complicated, and everything refers back to an originary idea of what it means to be a soldier (sometimes a warrior), and every originary is a cipher or an asterisk that leads to something else. Not enough footnotes in the world to unpack these identities, some are still carrying proof of themselves in vinyl covered folders. We all want to get confirmation that we are, that we really are, but we also suspect that every situation is temporary.
She asks him, "Why are you here?" (Always a good question)
He tells her, "Cancer came back." (Never a good answer)
It's a peculiar thing to be floating like this. Shards of black glass that the Coyote pulled from my heart before she went off to howl, they got lost outside my doorframe, and should have made things hurt less by the morning. But you don't know our mother does when you are not around. Since you left she has taught me so many things, and one in the morning is her favorite time to teach. I rolled over too quickly, she was dragging me to get out of bed and go outside to listen to her. Black shards flying out of the edges of the moon, they look silver when the ocean is under my tongue. This is going to be a long war.
It's more peculiar to watch how things grow when you stop fighting. I change my sobriety date to St Patrick's day last year. 17s are important but I don't know what they want yet, like I need another place to feel the sting of the edges of the blade. I don't know what any of this is for. I see you disappearing when you leave, I say it's not magic, you never said you were coming back. But it becomes up to me to seal the doors and windows to keep you out, because when I open my tongue to your salt water, I grow haunted and so very grey.
I don't know what any of this is for. You're coming back, but another mask and another name and I won't remember it's you until your hair falls over me somewhere where it is already one in the morning. I don't know what this is for. But I love the sea. It's where my father came from, and where we all go.