in between

heat came sudden and sudden heart swells up in the chest that feels full to breaking i have 8 pounds of new self in the shoulders and chest and i don't know where that came from the heat came sudden and sudden breaking of waves of every kind of longing cataloged for easy access longing comes too easy these days but the heat carries a day and melts a day and pours itself over the day like napalm and we are all crushed but the night - oh - when the night falls the molecules that swam around terrified under the sun are stopping and resting on their own porches of desire and fan themselves with the photos of their old lost lovers - oh - you lost me this is true this is true - oh - and this is the porch where i remembered what i was supposed to be doing with my aging body i wish i felt older i wish i felt weary i wish i felt worn but all i feel are the things i feel when the night gets cool and the summer is stretched out in front of my bones i am always sixteen at the beginning of summer - oh - i lay out my neon clothes on my bed way before i go to sleep and when i do sleep i sleep restless dreams about perfume buried in the crevices of necks and the best way to hold a clove cigarette when someone nice is watching you, the floor of my dad's van covered with m&m's, casettes of the who and the cure, and something that's hidden until we get to the cemetery, we will always get caught and we will always get away - oh - and you will lose me again and i will lose you again, and no one will feel the weight of loss and absence until the fall comes around again, and it's so far away from us, the fall is so far away from us - oh - and in my room when the sun rays compliment the woodsmoke of the sandalwoodsmoke, the dogs are gathering at my feet, afraid of paint and concrete, and tell me this is true, this next story, this next chapter, is all about the fall, this story is the one about the fall, what happens in the moment when the lovers in the garden wake up and know where they are, because when you know you are in paradise, you have to leave it - oh - this is not about sin or redemption, this is a metaphor for the soul's climbing the ladder, no one stays in paradise because to stay there is to die there, but to touch it, is to know what love feels like, so you know what to look for the rest of your life, and to know you will never find it, but you have to keep looking - oh - you were not written on the easy part of my bones, but inscribed on the marrow, like a fire like a seamonster like a brand, you are written on my marrow - oh - and - oh - oh - oh - i will keep looking for you