River dance

I dream that I am in my childhood back yard. The sun is setting and there are storm clouds and all the cracks in the universe are visible. There are lots of aliens but that's typical for the time of day. I see Brian Dennehy wearing a black cloak and that's not typical. When I get closer I see he is really Father Time, or Death (gender is very important in this dream you'll see). I laugh and Death laughs he almost had me fooled. 

Now we are in a restaurant and I am siting with all the feminine figures in my life. All of them. They are all upset with me, which is typical. (I'm sorry this is so binary, my dream writers are modernists with a smudge of post colonial & post structuralism). I am moving from table to table and trying to tell them my death story and no one wants to hear it and finally the one who looks like my ex wife says: "we are tired of your stories, you don't need to keep performing your life for us through these ridiculous stories."  As you can imagine this is very upsetting so I go under the table and sulk. (There is more How I Met Your Mother in this dream than I would like to admit). 

Next we are outside and it is night and we are walking around the hills that are on the edge of the sea. Elli is with me and she is particularly restless and reminds me of me on stormy nights in summer when I was a teenager. I have not changed that much. Soon she runs ahead of me and then she trips and starts to roll down. My first thought is that if she is going to fall off a cliff then I'm going too because I don't want to live without my daughter and besides the other world might be interesting. So I roll after her and she is close to water but it's a river not the ocean and she falls and submerges. I go in after her but right away I understand what is happening. She has turned herself into a fish, this is what she wanted for a long time and I can't follow her because I will never be that. I can go under the water, and I do, but I can't live there. She can though because this is where she is home. I understand this is what happens between all fathers and daughters. 

Last I am on the banks of the river, but another part. I am fishing with two men I know. They are older, I guess you could say post menopausal if we had such designations for men but we don't because we missed an important turn 40,000 years ago. It's not too late. Anyway we are fishing and don't worry about me catching Elli because we are using old bait, old eggs that do not have any more spark in them. We are throwing lines and crowds come and go and get in our way and I catch something enormous. I reel in part of a big pile of rope. I see it goes from the bottom of the lake to the middle of the sky. This is just part of the net that's been here since the beginning, the one that unites the below with the above. I am sad because of all that happened and I am not at home here with these men (but we are certainly related) and I'm not at home in the river with the fish (but we are certainly relayed) and I might not be home anywhere here but it sure feels close to home.