if i didn't say it before, or not enough, i would say again that i love the ocean, i love the sea. i love the salt on my skin, i love to lick it off of my lips, it's like it's just like having a new lover, where the new smells and tastes are all over you in the morning and you get to remember by walking through a day and tasting it just as you would anyway,  just as you would anyway, you get to remember them through your mouth all over again, it's like that with the ocean, i am just like that with the ocean.  i don't fall in love any more.  i wouldn't say it too many times if there were such a thing, if i would offend someone, if there were any threat that by repeating it, that repetition would make it not true.  it's not not true and i would say it over because that's all there is on some days, the only thing worth saying, or the only thing worth saying out loud anyway.  i don't fall in love because i am married, long before any of this started, already married, already promised, some time, a long time, some long period of time long before any of this happened, any of this started to happen, any of this started to repeat and happen again and pretend that it was happening for the first time, disguised as something that were happening for the first time.  i don't fall in love any more.  there's something that happens, always a first time, we always think this is happening for the first time, and when it happens again to us again, we think it's the first time, and we think it's the last time, and we tell ourselves this will never happen again.  this is that or not that at all or somewhere in between, this is where i start to wonder why the moon is disguising itself as a woman in a red dress, now sunning herself on a rock, now bumping into me in a crowd and pulling at me like the small waves that come after the more tidal ones, when the water seems still but it starts to ripple impossibly and we're left waking up suddenly and understanding suddenly that we really are at the mercy of water, of all that is water, and all we are is water, and we are at the mercy of everything then.  and to know it might kill us so we try not to know it because it might kill us so we just try not to know it, but everything that is in us, everything that moves in us and through us, everything about us tells us that this is how it is, this is how things are, we are at the mercy, and it doesn't make a difference if we show mercy or if we are cruel, we are at the mercy and nothing we do can earn us any kind of special favors with these things, the real powers and forces behind everything, they have no mercy and never will and nothing we do can get us on their good sides or their bad sides, it's how things are and it would kill us to know that so we try not to know it.  and anyone who has ever fallen in love for the first time, not the first time, the last time, not the last, knows that there is no mercy, deep at the bottom of things, there is no mercy, and everything we do to not drown only pulls us under faster and there's not even any glory in choosing the speed of your own drowning even, there's no glory in it at all, we are born to drown utterly and one day we never wake up but in between the time of drowning and never waking there is water and only water and all is water


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