everything is fine

medical students handle my joints and move me in new ways, and the doctor touches the same joints and i relax because she knows how to move my knee in untold directions, but her warm hands are sure and i know she will not break it in two, she knows what she's doing, the other ones don't have any idea yet, but i can tell the promising ones because it registers in the body that these hands might be unsure but they are also strong and connected to the moment, and the moment is what holds my limb in its socket...daughter recommending purple hair and an orange suit for my next look, she really wants this and repeats it over and over in a fast food restaurant, and rain starts to pour and make the desert smell like i wish i wish i wish you could smell this, you would understand, and daughter is excited to talk about dreams and is making me laugh out loud, and crazy women and angry men all around us stare and maybe they just don't know and never will, because sometimes you get to a point beyond learning...and this phone connects everything, all the parts of my life are synced together now, except there are some names that are confused, and some where the numbers are somewhere else, too many contacts and too many similar names, and i don't think it's able to handle everything with care and attention, it's just data and not enough nostalgia, and i want to tell you about how robots should be programmed for nostalgia, the way aliens are able to live in realms of pure nostalgia, and somewhere in that i make sure that i haven't lost your name, and that it's connected and synced up so that maybe it will someday connect your face when you are done writing that...and the worst part is that all the things that i wouldn't take back, the true things, are true for now, but only true like the ice on top of the ice cream, a layer that doesn't have to matter, but we have to dig through, and i keep thinking i do want to dig through that, it's worth the fight, you're worth the fight, but there's nothing that can be said about that because it is what it is, and it's all very distant and alien and rational in all the right ways, and whenever i think about the oath to do no harm, i fall to the floor, but only when i am alone, and that doesn't happen very often, i am lucky to be around so many people these days, but when i am alone, i fall to the floor and can't stop sobbing and i didn't even see it coming but it always happens like that and it doesn't stop raining in my eyes


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