for k.k.

this was urgent not so urgent this this this was urgent there was this i just wanted to say thank you i just wanted to say thank you i just wanted to say it out loud and then see how it felt to say it out loud and there was that and then there were other things too other things to say and some of those things had to do with the why of it all the why of all of it the why of the thank you or some might say what for but not like that not like what for in that way not that at all but what for in terms of the thank you what for if you say thank you then what for.  and the only answer although incomplete and not quite correct but the only answer or at least the first answer in terms of the first thing that came to mind: berlin.  and already of course it's incomplete we already knew that we already knew it was incomplete that's why we said that already because berlin but then there was linz already and of course that's what we already knew but still all of that is part of the same thing the same part of the what for the berlin the linz answers they're related not in that way not in that we have a mass murderer in common kind of way but something else kind of way a city with a memory kind of way cities with memories kinds of ways like phoenix has a memory but not everyone in phoenix has a memory about this about what happened on the ground here what is under the ground here a city with memory means a city with ghosts and of course every city has them but some more than others some have so many more than so many others.  linz and berlin part of that that that angel of history kind of thing that angel who is blown backwards kind of thing and those cities are cities here is where we get to the real what for both of those are cities i had never been to but always wanted to be somewhere else other than phoenix where memory was in the ground where there were ghosts in the ground and i wanted to know this when i was surrounded by other artists and i always thought it would be magnificent and shattering at the same time and it was and it is and thank you for that for giving me a reason to be there to go there to go back again and again there.  and it's not just that i'm not that conscientious about things it's not just that angels of history and art theres more because theres always love or first theres love and everything comes after that and everything that happens in those cities has to do with love and that's not a coincidence and we're not coincidental and there were stories from years ago about who loved who there and there are stories from one year ago about who fell in love with who there and even though it did not happen there it kind of did even though it wasn't born there it kind of was because there was that summer where i was meeting her the one i would love and there was the summer i was losing him the father the only father i would ever have and that was the same summer and it was happening in berlin and everything changed forever after that.  and it all bursts forward from there the what for the thank you for the what and the what for is this it's this it's this bone in the throat i have a bone in my throat it's one i didn't have before and when i speak i feel my words bounce off of the bone in the back of my throat and it makes things echo and resonate and you would understand i think you would understand i think you would be the one who understands because you know what it is like to write from the inside of your mother tongue where the bone in the throat says things that says things that makes you say things that are true or at least true to you and then you are awake one day and you are talking and it has weight it has the weight of memory it has the weight of bone and you have to talk about where you were and what you did there and those words are like tracing the footprints and the marks the proof that we were here on this ground by describing our marks on the ground we make other marks on the ground to mark that this is where we are and this is what it looks like when we are here.  thank you.