& the one with barnacles on her legs and seaflowers in her hair was sitting at the foot of my bed, poring over a list, getting wet with the sea in her hair, and scented with the flowers she carries there.
and she said, these are the things that will happen to you, and these are the things that won't happen to you, and i couldn't tell which was which, because the words had gotten wet, but she said she knew and that was all that mattered.
& i wanted to know so much more than she wanted to tell me, i wanted to know so much more than this.
she asked why i had black oil on the bottom of my boots, & i said i was just traveling, to a city i wanted to visit again for a very long time, but i had no way of getting there.  & i told her how i told my friend that i wanted to go, and in a few days, i had a reason & a way to get there.
& she said, that's how it is with witches & sorcerers.
& i told her i didn't know if that was what it was, i wasn't really very witchy, i was just lucky.
& she said, witchy if i ever saw it if i do say so myself.
it was a very short morning, it went too fast, & she always looked disappointed when i started to gather my things, but this morning was different.
she said that she heard me talking about the things i look for in a goddess who can guide me, & that she had all those particular qualities, & that she was coming with me.
& i didn't believe her, because i am learning that it's ok not to believe, because the things that will happen whether you believe in them or not, that it doesn't have anything to do with who we think we are, what we think we want, or what we say we believe.
& the days are heavy with cold, and the days are golden with light, and the things that i used to think got stuck in the cracks in the sidewalk outside of my old apartment in nyc.
when i lived there, i felt like the place could bring me back to life, but i didn't know it would take so many years before that happened, and when it did happen, i just tell myself i don't believe it, but i know that i'm not right, i'm just not right at all, & that comes as terribly good news.


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