monday

this is still in the month of the day where i was born, which means that it's celebrated here as long as it's being celebrated in other parts of the world, and there's the part that lives in the folds of the ocean where the distance is such that it hits much later.  this means that there's still time.  but i won't complain.  listen.  i don't know if this changes everything, to say the things that are told to me, things that will happen, and i didn't want to say that everywhere i looked, they said that nothing interesting would happen on my birthday, and nothing would change, but that the shifts were certainly there under the ground, but i wouldn't feel them and if i waited i would be disappointed.  so i didn't wait, but i was still disappointed, because i want things to happen all the time, because i am impatient, or because i am a recovering alcoholic and that's what we do because our brains are not the most finely tuned instruments for a clear perception of reality, or because i am caught in some kind of goddam taoist nightmare where i have to keep taking part in karmic debts to pay off things that one of my ancestors did, and the only way to come to any peace is to give in to the cycles and find time to breathe to get away from this enough to see that nothing in here really matters...not to say, the pain the someone goes through, trapped in a body that is in pain, or trapped in a cell where movement is limited, or trapped in a mind that is capable of more torments than any lover could ever bring (and my threats are not big, just tall)...that matters, yes, and maybe the spirits of the energies that are old enough to be god (sic, and ha) do give a goddam about crazy thoughts making crazy people hurt so much, but i am not crazy and when i am confused, i am starting to learn, they really don't give a goddam, and back away and wait for me to come back to the ground (on top of the mountain)....and the only thing i really wanted to say, all i wanted to say, this morning, i was told, take a deep breath, because everything you were told about will start to happen, so take a breath, like a wave at high tide, it's coming, so take a breath and learn how to go with this flow, because the time of drought is suddenly over, and i don't have time to inhale just yet

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