exception #22

this boy, this boy i take care of, takes my mind off of my incessant need to take care of myself (it's easier than i think but when i think about it, it gets so complicated), and takes my mind off of how this still makes me sad, but this is interesting, and this is turning in interesting directions, and mentally moving my things from one place to another has gotten me to sleep at night (among other things), and considering how these altars will be placed to make things magical and turn things that look like infinity on their sides until they become perfect raw beginnings, yammer yammer yaya, and this is fine and my mind is clear and my heart is clear and clean and this week we're watching star wars from the beginning, because i only saw the very first one they made and lost interest and discovered pot and pall malls and making out in parks and cars and parked cars...and last week we watched all the harry potter movies and i liked them very much and i always thought it was funny how many santer@s like those, but then i forgot how much i like wizards of waverly place (and not for the reason you think...well, a little maybe), but we finished those, or are savoring the part one so i can be ready to see part two in the theaters when it comes out, and oh this is interesting because i kind of do like these things, even though left to my own devices i would still watch french post-structuralist films and anything with a taste of complicated gender situations, marxist sentiments, revolutionary possibilities, or ideas of how to make love and art and life blend together, anything with poetry that is poetry i like...but.
the only reason i'm putting this post in here is to say one thing: i forgot that seeing the first movies in this star wars series also means that i would be watching this natalie portman queen senator figure, which is fitting, not that there's any resemblance, not physically, only in the queenly and senatorly fashion, because i would vote for either, and if i were a jedi (all santer@s are, shh, the force is ache, shh, the road is talky today, shh), i would be pleased to serve either (in the old ways, and in some new ones, especially if there is food involved, and rabbit masks), but only it starts to hurt more than i thought, and the physical resemblance might be there, a little, but it doesn't matter because it's enough because of the lifelong comparison, that i'm trying hard not to be in my body any more when she is kissing him and he is kissing her because they might never see each other again, and seeing that makes me wish that i knew more about how long it would be before i saw her again, because if i knew it would be this long, i think i would have kissed her just a little harder, enough to remember, because sucking on  my ring doesn't pull hard enough to remember that last moment because i think i was trying to detach already because i suspected it might hurt, even if i didn't feel the last time her teeth bit my mouth until just yesterday.


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