something shiny and new

i haven't written here in so long, i've been writing, but not to you, i've been writing to someone who has been reading what i've been writing and it's just for them.  it's nothing personal against you, it's just how these things happen.  but i want to mark this, this is the last night in this house, the place i lived for a year, and getting ready to move to a new house (one i used to live in a long time ago), and it all feels a little strange.
there are things going on that are making my heart hurt, things i've talked about a lot before, but now they are much more terrible, and all of it will be well and is well and has always been well, but it's going to be a rough time ahead.
there are things going on that are making my heart swell, it's too big for my chest to hold, and if you ask her she would tell you the same story.
and i think i might get a dog, but that doesn't have anything to do with her, except that she'll be around the dog a lot, i think and hope, because she'll be around a lot, and this is why i'm so happy lately, and also why i'm walking with this unbearable grief lately in a way that makes it bearable.
things are being re-arranged, all the male roles have to be reconstructed, i have to learn how to be this thing that i am, but differently than the generations that did it before (and also, exactly the same as they did it before, because repetitions are sometimes part of something larger, and i am born into this world to be a part of that, too).
we get to be the thing that represents our pattern in the fabric, and we are also the thing that makes rips in the fabric for the next generation to jump through.
and love makes us fearless enough to be all of these things at once.
i'm not telling you anything secret, and not telling you anything new.  i miss writing you, but i don't miss that feeling of being lost without a map.  even though i don't know where we are going, and don't have any idea about the destination, the map is on the body, and the marks on my body are made right here, and right now, and this is where i get to live, and it's so nice to see you here, too.  


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