In between lines
Not here nor there, in this land of mothers of an old ghost of an ocean, in that place where my fathers were born, already missing this father, and saying goodbye to the father I am, every piece of cloth on the floor of my crowded room is something that a father used to wear, and nothing that any of us need any more. We all get older, but even ghosts change their minds about the right way to be in the world. These clothes are complicated texts.
This thread is a line to connect me to the place I was, and I have a means of drawing myself back to the images of all the people I used to be. My favorite company has always been in the company of exiles, even though I have a home I can point to, and even a house where I grew up discovering that the sight of a woman in tattered clothes could drive me mad as a dog on a night with fireworks. I have traces of first dates somewhere in a drawer that I'm afraid to mark, just in case I die unexpectedly and my loved ones might find it, and scratch their heads and wonder why I kept such strange souvenirs.
A blue earring, a tag from a pair of underwear, a vial of perfume, and a concert ticket that's curved with sweat. Ones I met when I was in between one thing and another.
If I didn't keep these objects close, I would write about them obsessively, trying to capture them as if my pen could be a decent camera. What I lack in discretion however I make up in metaphor. This one thing can stand for a whole I can't put into words. And the most touching things are the ones I don't even try to capture, they move to extreme close up as soon as I think of the perfect first word, and by then I've forgotten the word.
This is no time for new objects to puzzle over, and after sleeping alone for the better part of a year, I can tell this was the right decision. Between here and there, you're better off traveling light, with very little that can be lost, and nothing that can't be replaced. Except. Except. Except.