what is event?

it's when you're sitting somewhere thinking there might be five extra minutes to fall asleep for just five minutes except something happens that gets you up and onto the next thing, and you just can't sit still.  not that you want to, your body has to move because it's a clogged intersection of nerves that are so worn out that they're banding themselves together hoping they might fire together if they stick together, like dogs.  we might be able to get through this night if we just band together like dogs.  and we are dogs, phantom dogs that don't know how vicious the forest can be, but we are starting to get suspicious, and maybe that will help some of us to survive.  it's when you decide that you can do just one more thing, take down that tree branch and then you can wash the dog and then you can finish the floor but the branch comes down on your head because you were too stupid or in too much of a hurry to look at the bigger picture, and see that what you pull down will come down over you.  it's when your head is split open and your tooth has flown out of your mouth and the chain around your ankle is starting to bite, and everyone is using metaphors of war, and you tell yourself this isn't a war, not for you, it doesn't mean you personally, but there's blood certainly and there's pain certainly and it's not enough to stop you from moving on to the next thing, because you have to move on to the next thing.  it's when you think you've accepted the death, and you've been using the word death to let people know you're not going to be sentimental about it, but you realize that you really were longing to hear the sound of the nails on the floor coming to see you, but instead you hear nails on the floor and she's still wandering lost somewhere, not quite home, and not quite spirit enough yet to let you know that things are all right in dreams.  dreams won't cooperate at all, it's too much of the white lightning that's been flashing through these days, white lightning that comes with waves of nausea, and you can't draw the loved ones close enough and you can't keep the noise outside outside enough, so it's dreams of white lightning or ridiculous signs that are too far off to be funny even, they are just strange and point to something that's not meant for you.  and there's always more news, just when you think you might have caught your breath, there's more news, and it keeps pouring in through the cracks, and you just want to curl up on the couch and listen to your dad tell you stories about growing up in milwaukee, or military stations in nome, alaska, or the marches for civil rights that often brought the fbi to your door, you just want that, that voice next to you, and the dog on your feet, and you just want to hold everything in the world and tell the world that the world will be all right, because if you open your arms wide enough, you can hold the world, and the world might tell you the same thing, that it will be all right, but it's not speaking to you except to say that you need to rest, because it's not all right, and you're going to need rest, and you're going to need to eat, and you're going to need to keep your head covered for awhile, and you're going to need to be awake, so you can't drink, even though it might bring the ghost dogs in smiling, you can't drink, because the ghost dogs are coming, and if you are drunk, you won't recognize them, and there's something you need to know that will help you later, but first it might cut you open with white lightning, and this might be just enough to open you so that you can see what is happening, because this is still about seeing, it's all about seeing, and you might think this isn't a love story any more, but you will be wrong, of course, you will be terribly terribly wrong


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