and then it gets a little weirder...

diwali lights make sharp the things that have grown dull in a dark season, relentless heat turning to relentless cool, and at the end of the day i have nothing left to fight, and no reason to fight.  all the battles of the day are resolved with breath and a return to seeing.  it's all so simple, but it's even simpler than that even.  i'm wrong about everything, and i don't even know what this is, and i'm not ready to let it come to light, because i have to keep one step ahead of these things, or i might just fall into the river of time.  what if we became like those rare things that know there is more to know, and let the seasons decide these things?  it would be like giving in to a demanding lover, or falling in to the gravity that wants us to fall.  in these spaces in between spaces, the top of the mountain kisses my head and the river loves me like no human ever could, knows me better than anyone in a body could ever know, and on those kinds of days, words stop making sense, and stop meaning to matter.  but i have things hidden under my tongue, notes written on river water and kisses trapped in plastic water bottles.  i can never remember a last kiss as much as i remember thinking about the next one.  i can't close things properly, i leave them sealed shut in places where i know i open them in the middle of the night, and i always leave them right where i can find them when i start to panic.  they shine like lights you can see from space, lights that never go out, and after all these lost things i hide in my closet, i think i know how to tell when a light goes out forever.  i'm not trying to confuse you, i'm just trying to tell a story that i can use to help me remember this right, but language is a fracture, and my hands are aching, and neither hand nor tongue can capture the things that i know that i can't put into words.  these are the best songs.  my favorite is the one about the boy who tries to capture it all in a plastic bottle, but it keeps spilling out.  when he finally gets it all inside, and secures the lid, he carries them to his bed, and while he sleeps the best parts come out, the ones he could never expect or complete or describe, and they fill his room with light.  in the morning, there is a rainbow of colored lights coming from his tongue, and in the morning, he feels like he might actually be living in the world. 


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